My burnout and what caused it : My inability to realise my worth was not equal to my timeshare. And this is how I realized…
2018 would be the year my life transformed right in front of my eyes. I was setting my year up for big things. I set a launch date for my new self- development blog and just a week before that, I was scheduled to start an online nutrition course and earn my health coaching certification. I committed myself to posting a weekly blog. Sharing personal stories on my growth to inspire others in any way I could. This was something that was super new to me and vulnerable but I was extremely excited. For the first time felt like I was serving a purpose for the greater good. I was using my creativity and sharing with others. Helping others brought me true happiness. But let’s not forget I had to still pay the bills.. I was working full-time in an office; 5 days a week from 8am to 4pm. I had a part-time job 2 nights a week and was also taking 3 CrossFit classes 45 minutes from my home.
When people asked what I did, I’d feel overwhelmed by the laundry list of jobs and other tasks I had piled upon myself regularly. They would always look so confused. How could I fit all of this into a 24 hour day, blew their minds. Turns out it was really hard. I was working myself to the bone but at the same time I was feeling a sense of purpose as I committed to more and more. Surprisingly, I was still managing to keep a personal life so I thought, job well done. I thought I could do it all. Maintaining relationships with my friends and family is extremely important to me. So there was no way that I would slack.
The first 4 months of 2018 were awesome. I felt driven and ambitious. I was still living with my mom, she was making my lunch and waking me up everyday for work. By March I decided It was time for me to move out of the comfort of the only place I have ever called home. I was financially ready to make a move and everything else would just fall into place. I found a roommate online and we jumped on the first available apartment. Mind you I knew nothing about her. We moved in a week later. The first year was extremely challenging with adding yet another change to my life. Learning to set healthy boundaries with others and sacrificing things you didn’t want to was difficult but it taught me a lot.
Through this experience I became more understanding of others and myself. I realise how important it was to pick who you lived with very carefully. Living with someone I wasn’t aligned with was extremely draining. Over this time I lost sleep (super important to my health) and my zen (also super important). My house was no longer my peace. I learned the next time I needed a roommate, I’d make sure they lived a sustainable life, they needed their quiet time as much as I did, they weren’t emotionally draining and they liked their space as clean as I do.
After moving on my own, I’d also picked up another serving shift. All the jobs, plans and activities I had squashed in my schedule left me no time to just relax and I craved ”me time”. All of my obligations were physical manifestations of what I was trying to avoid. I was using them to avoid feeling something I didn’t want to feel; not feeling worthy.
We live in a society that tells us our worth is based on success and our success is based on how hard we work for it. So subconsciously if I didn’t have all these things going on, I’d feel worthless. I didn’t realise this until months into my burnout.
At this point, I was now working at my gym and doing reiki at spa. I graduated from school and started my coaching practice but had no time to actually put into it. I didn’t even have time for my daily gratitude practice any more. My self-care was on the decline and I barely spent time learning which is something I love.
What my burnout had manifested into was depression, 30 extra pounds and adding even more on to my schedule to feel “worthy”. I knew something had to give or I’d have to give up everything
This summer though mercury retrograde and the peak of my burnout I learned a lot. This is when I realised I don’t need to say yes to everything so started slowly crossing things off my schedule. First with the gym. I loved training but I could no longer drive the 45 minutes to an hour each way. I no longer had time for yoga which started my self-awareness. I started slowly cutting back from waitressing but I can’t give up the fast cash just yet, but I am cutting back. I’ll use this time to focus and get back to blogging, self-care and business.
I am learning to do less by reading DO LESS by Kate Northrup. In her book Do Less she gives busy women and moms a guide to do less while being more effective. She reminds all women that our work is not our worth. I’m starting here by creating and sharing my content consistently again. Kate Northrup shares about pairing your cycle or the moon cycle with what’s going on in your life could be extremely beneficial. So I am following her 14 experiments, along with the virgo energy to creating a new way to do things; by doing less. Finding this book opened me up and help me understand I don’t need to do it all; not even close. By doing less I can actually serve more.
We get caught up in doing, we forget to actually live. Taking this experience in my 20’s and applying what I’ve learned will bring me true happiness. Realizing my worth has nothing to do my job, my car, my things or my relationship is true empowerment.